Posted by Kemuel Ronis and Linda Falcao-

When you are 18 you leave home…

The hard part of parenting occurs when you have to begin withdrawing services from your child in order to teach them independence and responsibility.

The teenage years are a time of great change for your son or daughter. They are changing physically and emotionally, testing limits, and trying to find their identity and place in the world.

Adolescence can be challenging for parents because the testing of boundaries can bring with it anger, withdrawal of love, arguments, etc.

It is helpful to remember that being consistent and firm during this period will not only eliminate many of these conflicts, but it is also in the long term best interest of your child.

The irony is that sometimes parents believe that they are helping by taking care of their kid’s problems: by literally and figuratively cleaning up their messes.

Nothing could be further from the truth. The only thing that this does is enable and cripple your child. They do not learn how to be independent and they never experience negative consequences.

Life is full of natural negative consequences both small and large. As a student if you don’t do your homework you may fail a test.

As an adult if you don’t pay your bills on time there is a late charge. If you don’t have your seatbelt on in a car crash you may go through the windshield and die.

___________________ One of the hardest parts of parenting is saying no.

Making things easy for your children does not make life easy for them: in reality it does the opposite.

Why You Should Spoil Your Kids

Starting at an early age it is wise to do everything in your power to spoil your kids. I know this concept runs counter to current parenting dogma, but I am here to tell you the myriad reasons why this is not only a good idea, but it should be mandated as a constitutional amendment.

When your small child misbehaves by crying and whining in a grocery store or restaurant, do not reprimand them, scold them, or simply remove them from the premises: it is much better to subject the general public to this annoyance because we were all children once.

If your little angel is having a temper tantrum because they are not getting what they want, by all means give in to them- ALWAYS give in to them. That way you are teaching them that a 5 year old has more power and authority than an adult. The amazing thing about this is that your angel will then never leave home and when they are thirty, jobless, shiftless, and lazy, you will be assured of their presence in your home for the rest of your life. What could be better?

During the teenage years buy them whatever they want so they never learn the value of a dollar, or even better the value of your money. This will insure that they just expect you to buy them material possessions, take you for granted, and also that they don't value gifts or how hard it is to earn money in a real job. If you are diligent in spoiling them in this way you will have the added benefit of guaranteeing that if they ever do leave home, they will become clinically depressed because mommy and daddy no longer buy them everything, and having a full time job is actual work.

Requiring your progeny to work at home or be employed in order to get the stuff they want is old school thinking and has no place in the modern world. Having to wait or save up for trips, or toys/possessions is not conducive to a child's growth process. Spoiling your kids with instant gratification is the way to go. If you don't believe me just ask any marketing department at a major corporation.

Kids that grow up learning skills, acquiring good judgement and common sense are a thing of the past and no longer necessary...

When your child is an adolescent never ever refuse them a social opportunity to party, drink, do drugs, go on road trips, and ride in cars with 8 other kids crammed in being driven by another inebriated teenager who got their driver's license yesterday. After all when your teenager wails that all the other parents allow their kids to do this, you should not risk damaging their self esteem or hurting their feelings by telling them no-

A serious car accident or trip to the emergency room is far better than having to refuse your precious a chance to party with peers.

Come on mom and dad, get with it and spoil those kids!!

It's Not Magic, It's Expectations

I taught karate to kids of all ages for 15 years in a dojo (martial art school) that I owned and operated. Parents were constantly surprised at how quickly their children, who they thought were not able to focus, or were undisciplined, or could not pay attention for more than a minute, or were unmotivated, or something else, were in fact able to learn and do all these things.

While it certainly makes a difference if a person wants to do an activity, and whether or not the activity is enjoyable, the biggest factor was that I expected them to behave and perform in specific ways.

I believed that all of my students could be successful, both as karate students and as polite and respectful human beings. It was never a questions of if, but merely when, since everyone progresses at different rates.

I taught children with attention deficit disorders as well as ones with learning disabilities, and if a student trained for a sufficient length of time they all were able to focus, learn the curriculum, and control their bodies and behavior. My expectations, even for young students (5 year olds) was that is would happen sooner rather than later.

If you expect and insist that your children interact with you and other people with respect they will.

If you expect and insist that your children are helpful members of your family, they will be.

If you expect and insist that your children will do well in school, they will.

It is never too late to start this process. It takes the will to do so, consistency, and the realization that at first there will be resistance. In the long run it is easier because you no longer have to fight the same battles. More importantly it will benefit your children, and your relationship with them will be more pleasant and genuine.

It's not magic, it's expectations-

Now that's good parenting-

Review

There is a terrific book by Mary Pipher called, The Shelter of Each Other-Rebuilding Our Families.
I highly recommend it for parents, especially when children are past the infant/childhood stage of life and entering the teenage years.

The writing itself is evocative and moving. The advice is indespensible. The book starts with case studies of various families so the reader gets a first hand glimpse of positive and negative parenting practices. It is also encouraging to see that one can make many mistakes as a parent and still have the kids turn out just fine.

The second section deals with fundamental aspects of being a parent and raising ones children with integrity. The chapter titles of this part are:
Character
Will
Commitment

Part three is the practical section appropriately titled: Solutions: What Will Survive Of Us Is Love

The author's compassion and love for family and humanity easily comes through the pages. Her direct vision and clear counsel however, are what makes this book vital for any parent struggling with the job. Quite frankly I don't know anyone who finds raising kids an easy job.

Here is a short look at some of Mary Pipher's words:
...often believe that somehow praising their children will improve their self-esteem. But aimless flattery is useless. It's worse than useless; it teaches children that they can slide by. When expectations are too low, children become slackers. One of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child is to teach him/her to work."

"It is important for people to receive credit for good work, and criticism can indeed be damaging. But true self esteem comes from the belief that one is making the world a better place....self esteem can not be given to one person by another..."

"...more worried about their children's feelings than their behavior and they focus more on their self esteem than their character."

"It's understandable that parents feel this way, but it's misguided."

This is a great resource and an illuminating read for any parent!

amazon link to book:
http://www.amazon.com/Shelter-Each-Other-Mary-Pipher/dp/1594483728/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1249761809&sr=1-2

Parent Resource

If you are looking for professionally packaged resources, check out the link below:

http://empoweringparents.com/blog/consequences/parenting-mistakes-i-have-made/

It is a great blog for both free parenting advice and parenting materials that you can purchase.

(While there, check out the article that I guest blogged-)

Top 5 moments when I REALLY knew I was a parent-

1) I pushed the umbilical cord off my son’s throat when he was born…by the side of the road.
2) I held my daughter’s ponytail out of her face as she threw up during the middle of the night when she was 5.
3) I slept on the floor by my son’s crib. He did not sleep through the night until he was almost 3.
4) I hugged my crying daughter (oldest) when she got her first period.
5) I lay awake at night worrying about my youngest daughter when she left for Tanzania to work on an AIDS education project in a rural African village.

Yoda as a parent

The truth is that children need and want us to be consistent, strong, and loving parents. We need to just be parents and stop believing that we can’t be the authority in our own homes. Let’s successfully guide our children into adulthood. To quote Yoda from Star Wars, “There is no try, only do.”

If You Want Sex, Pay The Bills!

The Electric Bill Theory Of Sex-

When our kids would come home from college with the people they were dating, we would have them sleep in separate bedrooms, even though we knew they were having sex in college. We did this because it was one of our house rules and even though they were now in college, they were not financially independent yet. After they were on their own, and brought someone home, we allowed them to sleep in the same bedroom.

During their teenage years, when our kids disagreed with a decision, house-rule, or standard of ours, we had a simple answer: “When you are paying the bills in your home you can do it your way. I’m not saying this is the only way, I’m not even saying this is the best way, but this is the way it is in this house.”

We would say this in a gentle but firm manner. The point was not to make our teenagers feel powerless or to flaunt our authority, but to make it clear that rules and expectations were going to be adhered to.

Along the same lines when our three kids would ask for stuff like a car, or even comment on what they would like to do or have in life, our stock response was:
“This is what you do. First, graduate high school. Second, go to college. Third, get a job.”

After awhile this became a running joke in our home. Our kids would catch themselves after saying something to us and they would say, “I know-I know -go to college-get a job.”

This interaction, while funny, was also indicative that our kids were very clear about what we expected of them.

To function properly any organization needs structure and a hierarchy. Things get out of balance when kids don’t have any responsibilities and are able to boss and manipulate their parents.

There is a central theme in life that kids are not the ones paying the mortgage, buying the groceries, paying the utility bills, etc. Those are all adult responsibilities. Kids have different tasks and one of them is to be a contributing part of the household, not an additional burden on their parents.


So if you want to get it on, you got to turn the lights on.
And if you want the lights to come on, you got to pay the bill!