It's Not Magic, It's Expectations

I taught karate to kids of all ages for 15 years in a dojo (martial art school) that I owned and operated. Parents were constantly surprised at how quickly their children, who they thought were not able to focus, or were undisciplined, or could not pay attention for more than a minute, or were unmotivated, or something else, were in fact able to learn and do all these things.

While it certainly makes a difference if a person wants to do an activity, and whether or not the activity is enjoyable, the biggest factor was that I expected them to behave and perform in specific ways.

I believed that all of my students could be successful, both as karate students and as polite and respectful human beings. It was never a questions of if, but merely when, since everyone progresses at different rates.

I taught children with attention deficit disorders as well as ones with learning disabilities, and if a student trained for a sufficient length of time they all were able to focus, learn the curriculum, and control their bodies and behavior. My expectations, even for young students (5 year olds) was that is would happen sooner rather than later.

If you expect and insist that your children interact with you and other people with respect they will.

If you expect and insist that your children are helpful members of your family, they will be.

If you expect and insist that your children will do well in school, they will.

It is never too late to start this process. It takes the will to do so, consistency, and the realization that at first there will be resistance. In the long run it is easier because you no longer have to fight the same battles. More importantly it will benefit your children, and your relationship with them will be more pleasant and genuine.

It's not magic, it's expectations-

Now that's good parenting-

Review

There is a terrific book by Mary Pipher called, The Shelter of Each Other-Rebuilding Our Families.
I highly recommend it for parents, especially when children are past the infant/childhood stage of life and entering the teenage years.

The writing itself is evocative and moving. The advice is indespensible. The book starts with case studies of various families so the reader gets a first hand glimpse of positive and negative parenting practices. It is also encouraging to see that one can make many mistakes as a parent and still have the kids turn out just fine.

The second section deals with fundamental aspects of being a parent and raising ones children with integrity. The chapter titles of this part are:
Character
Will
Commitment

Part three is the practical section appropriately titled: Solutions: What Will Survive Of Us Is Love

The author's compassion and love for family and humanity easily comes through the pages. Her direct vision and clear counsel however, are what makes this book vital for any parent struggling with the job. Quite frankly I don't know anyone who finds raising kids an easy job.

Here is a short look at some of Mary Pipher's words:
...often believe that somehow praising their children will improve their self-esteem. But aimless flattery is useless. It's worse than useless; it teaches children that they can slide by. When expectations are too low, children become slackers. One of the greatest gifts a parent can give a child is to teach him/her to work."

"It is important for people to receive credit for good work, and criticism can indeed be damaging. But true self esteem comes from the belief that one is making the world a better place....self esteem can not be given to one person by another..."

"...more worried about their children's feelings than their behavior and they focus more on their self esteem than their character."

"It's understandable that parents feel this way, but it's misguided."

This is a great resource and an illuminating read for any parent!

amazon link to book:
http://www.amazon.com/Shelter-Each-Other-Mary-Pipher/dp/1594483728/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1249761809&sr=1-2

Parent Resource

If you are looking for professionally packaged resources, check out the link below:

http://empoweringparents.com/blog/consequences/parenting-mistakes-i-have-made/

It is a great blog for both free parenting advice and parenting materials that you can purchase.

(While there, check out the article that I guest blogged-)

Top 5 moments when I REALLY knew I was a parent-

1) I pushed the umbilical cord off my son’s throat when he was born…by the side of the road.
2) I held my daughter’s ponytail out of her face as she threw up during the middle of the night when she was 5.
3) I slept on the floor by my son’s crib. He did not sleep through the night until he was almost 3.
4) I hugged my crying daughter (oldest) when she got her first period.
5) I lay awake at night worrying about my youngest daughter when she left for Tanzania to work on an AIDS education project in a rural African village.

Yoda as a parent

The truth is that children need and want us to be consistent, strong, and loving parents. We need to just be parents and stop believing that we can’t be the authority in our own homes. Let’s successfully guide our children into adulthood. To quote Yoda from Star Wars, “There is no try, only do.”

If You Want Sex, Pay The Bills!

The Electric Bill Theory Of Sex-

When our kids would come home from college with the people they were dating, we would have them sleep in separate bedrooms, even though we knew they were having sex in college. We did this because it was one of our house rules and even though they were now in college, they were not financially independent yet. After they were on their own, and brought someone home, we allowed them to sleep in the same bedroom.

During their teenage years, when our kids disagreed with a decision, house-rule, or standard of ours, we had a simple answer: “When you are paying the bills in your home you can do it your way. I’m not saying this is the only way, I’m not even saying this is the best way, but this is the way it is in this house.”

We would say this in a gentle but firm manner. The point was not to make our teenagers feel powerless or to flaunt our authority, but to make it clear that rules and expectations were going to be adhered to.

Along the same lines when our three kids would ask for stuff like a car, or even comment on what they would like to do or have in life, our stock response was:
“This is what you do. First, graduate high school. Second, go to college. Third, get a job.”

After awhile this became a running joke in our home. Our kids would catch themselves after saying something to us and they would say, “I know-I know -go to college-get a job.”

This interaction, while funny, was also indicative that our kids were very clear about what we expected of them.

To function properly any organization needs structure and a hierarchy. Things get out of balance when kids don’t have any responsibilities and are able to boss and manipulate their parents.

There is a central theme in life that kids are not the ones paying the mortgage, buying the groceries, paying the utility bills, etc. Those are all adult responsibilities. Kids have different tasks and one of them is to be a contributing part of the household, not an additional burden on their parents.


So if you want to get it on, you got to turn the lights on.
And if you want the lights to come on, you got to pay the bill!

In a family, everyone helps.

A friend of mine who was raising three girls while her husband worked a job that required him to be on the road 5-6 months out of the year told me that, “family means that everybody helps.”

Her comment struck a nerve with me, not because I did not believe her words, and not because I did not follow them, but because it is a simple and true statement about the fundamental nature of family.

(Picture-Cleaning up after dinner)

Effective Parenting- how to get there from here

(Vignettes from the Trenches)

By guest blogger Linda Falcão

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Linda Falcão is a mother, attorney, and teen educator, founder of the youth volunteer organization AMERICA SERVES, www.americaserves.net. The AMERICA SERVES Student Journal was honored by the US Department of Education in 2008 as a guide to teen service learning. She has degrees from the University of Pennsylvania in English and from the Wharton School in Economics, and attended Harvard Law School. She currently practices law and mediates in the field of employment discrimination, and is an appointee to Pennsylvania’s Advisory Committee to the Commission on Alternative Dispute Resolution. Of everything in her life, she is most proud of her marriage and her children.

Kemuel kindly asked me to guest blog about improving one’s parenting style (and presumably that’s why you’re reading this- if you’re happy with your relationship and with the results you’re getting, just page on to something else, I won’t be offended!) My own personal tips for giving your child the parenting they deserve-

1) Understand your own parenting philosophy.

Parenting is a performance art, and you’ll do it better if you understand your “motivation.” What’s important to you as a parent?

*To be the “anti-parent” of however you were raised?

* To instill a particular set of values (respect, tolerance, self-sufficiency, world domination?)

*To produce a huge number of children to please your mom, who had ten kids of her own and is hocking you for more grandchildren? (ok, so I digress!!:) Seriously, until you know where you’re going, you can’t steer the boat.

WHAT IS YOUR OWN NUMBER ONE GOAL IN PARENTING?

2) Understand the central task of parenting- to first convince your child that they’re the center of your universe, and then disabuse them of that notion.

I read some wonderful research years ago (which I would credit if I could remember the author), that said parenting is so tough because you have to first create the idea in your child’s head that “Mommy and I are one” (sorry, child-rearing guys!), to give your child a sense of safety, and then, as the child matures, you create the idea in their heads that they are separate entities that must go out and create their own lives in the world and be masters of their own destinies.

Kemuel and I each had to be both a mom and dad to our kids, because of the sad state of our alleged co-parents (can you say “restraining order,” anyone??), so we know first-hand that these are totally different mind-states to create in your kid’s head- fortunately, this is a really age-related task, so you have years to move from “Mommy and I are one” to “I must kill my father to take my own place in the world” (with apologies to Oedipus!) It’s a blend, and like mixing coffees or cocktails, sometimes you need more of one, and sometimes you need more of the other.

WHAT DOES YOUR CHILD NEED NOW? A) A GREATER SENSE OF CONNECTION, OR B) MORE ENCOURAGEMENT FOR INDEPENDENCE?

3) Find your kid’s lever, and use it.

In giving them more of a sense of connection (getting them to come to the table for family dinner) or more encouragement for independence (doing their own homework), what lever will you use?

By their lever I mean whatever moves them- it could be time with their friends, their electronics, karate lessons, dance class, use of the car, etc.

When we wanted our kids to do their college applications without our hocking them (we both went to college alreadyJ), we told them, we weren’t going to see them on the computer until one was done; then, when that was in the mail, they got the computer again for a few days; then we told them, we weren’t going to see them on the computer again until the next one was done, etc. etc.

WHAT’S YOUR KID’S LEVER?

PS, if you use the lever and nothing happens, you’ve picked the wrong lever. Keep trying!!

4) Be counter-cultural (and by this I don’t mean, grow your own weed) –

I mean acknowledge and account for a culture that hates good parenting. Yes, I said “hates”, because a well-parented child is not a mega-consuming fool, and there are many companies in the US economy who love it that your own hard-earned money is being spent with the judgment of a ten-year old- because they’ve gotten you to agree that your ten-year old should spend it.

Whenever money is spent by someone who didn’t earn it, more money is going to be spent. Companies love that. Companies do not want your kid to be well-raised.

As a footnote to the above (don’t hate me, Fortune 500!!), I will also acknowledge that it’s not just a conspiracy from mega-corp that makes good parenting hard- good parenting IS hard, innately- it requires such a confluence of skills, experiences, and support. But you know that already, so get a pair and, like Nike says, “Just do it!” (See, even 40-year olds can be shaped by massive ad campaigns . . . )

(And if you think I’m 40 . . . J)

QUESTION WHAT THE CULTURE TELLS YOU ABOUT PARENTING, AND CONSUMING.

5) Don’t grocery-shop on an empty stomach and don’t try to parent when you’re having a fight with your spouse.

Let me explain what I mean here. Your children have an innate, God-given total selfishness, a “me-first” drive, that would keep them alive if their plane crashed on a desert island (I saw that on Lost, so I think maybe it could happen). It’s good, and it’s natural, and you need to account for it in your parenting.

The number-one deterrent to effective parenting we see is parents who lack support from their spouse - because, when you parent effectively, and set limits, your child will punish you emotionally. He/she will act out, withdraw their love, slam the door, give you sullen looks, cry, etc.

This is just their natural sense of entitlement, the one that would keep them alive on that desert island, coming out- thank God for it. But you can’t let it knock you off track, and you need someone to be there to hide out with when the kids are filling the house with their negativity. (Even if you ask them to go to their rooms- which we do in our house- our standard line is, “Crying is fine, but it brings the rest of us down, so you can go to your room until you feel cheerful again”- you’re still feeling sad and mean because you caused them pain.)

The biggest deterrent to effective parenting is lacking a good, strong marriage, where you know your spouse is your best friend and partner in crime. It makes you WAY too vulnerable to doing what you know you shouldn’t, so your kids don’t withdraw their love. (Parents need love too!!)

So keep your partnership as strong as you can, make it a priority, and if it’s a bad one that impacts your ability to parent, consider ending it (yeah, I said it- we raised our three children after divorces, and it was a blessing. The most important thing is that you are not being drained by your partner on a daily basis).

So if you’re fortunate enough to have someone good to raise your child with, thank your lucky stars, and get up and go to them now, and say, “Thank you for choosing to be with me today.” Kemuel and I say that to each other almost every day. Because it is a choice- we can both support ourselves alone, financially and emotionally, so being together is a choice we make every day. And when you have someone you can laugh and cry with when your kid is responding in their natural, God-given way to your parenting, you’re 90% of the way to being the best parent possible.

WHO SUPPORTS YOU IN BEING A STRONGER PARENT?

Appreciate the people in your lives who support good parenting, and thank them! As Jackie Kennedy once said, “If you don’t get raising your children right, nothing else really matters.”