Define Yourself-Revisited

Ok, so here's the story about searching for candy...and god.
My mom was a crunchy granola long before it became California cool. For those of you old enough to remember it was the days of Adelle Davis, and health food stores were tucked back into obscure alleys without corporate logos.

Anyway, we did not have candy and sweet treats in my house. I remember putting blue food dye and molasses into a glass of milk as my closest approximation to a soft drink when I was seven. I felt that Halloween was a gift from the gods, and if someone told me I had to sacrifice other people in a blazing fire in order to celebrate this holiday, I would have done so without blinking. So that's where the candy part comes from.

For the second part...

I was raised in a typical Judaic home and we observed all of the tenets of reform Judaism. I still hold strongly to those values and that ethnic background, but even at a young age I gravitated towards eastern philosophy and spiritualism. I began practicing yoga at age 18 but after a few years it became only a physical pursuit not a spiritual one. (I am thankful for it as it helps keep my ageing body together.) I read and dabbled in meditation, Hinduism and chanting.

If I had to label myself, I would say I am more Buddhist than anything, and I try to live by Buddhist concepts although not strictly. Ialso am drawn to some of the Toltec wisdom that I have come across- I am still searching and I find truth in nature and in the writings of other people who are looking for this being/energy called god. Have you seen him lately?

Grandfather's joke

Every year for the holidays, when I was little, we would make the long trek from Maryland to Michigan to visit my grandparents. My Grandfather Ben Zendel had a riddle that he loved to tell:
Why does a dog wag its tail?
The answer was:
Because the tail can't wag the dog.

In some ways I feel like that is the current state of parenting in this country. It's out of balance and does not make sense.
A perfect example is the commercial for paper towels that I saw on TV recently. A five year old boy makes a huge mess in the kitchen. It's like a bloodbath with kool aid and cereal. The narrator explains that mom has the super duper extra strong absorbent paper towels so she can easily and happily clean up the mess. Mom is smiling. The little boy is smiling. I would not be smiling. I would have worn out the kid's bottom and then made him clean up the mess!

Define Yourself

Define yourself in six words or less.

Here's mine-
Searching for candy...and god.

Send me yours and if you feel like it tell me why-
I'll explain mine later.

Mistakes I Have Made #1 (a repeating theme)

After all what is parenting, but trial and error, doing your best, and to try to keep moving forward? There are no manuals and you learn on the job. Even if you had great parents, the times change and every child is so different with problems and challenges that are unique to them and the relationship that they have with you.

I know I made plenty of mistakes, but the problem is that often by the time you truly learn how to do a parenting thing well, it no longer applies because your son or daughter has passed that stage in their development and as the parent you now have to learn to deal with something else.

Probably my best and shortest advice as someone who has been in a marriage where I had to be both mom and dad, as a single parent, as a stay at home parent, as a stepparent, as a co-parent in a terrific marriage, and finally as a parent who is learning how to step out of being a parent since my kids are 23, 25 and 26. Whoa...that was long winded, but I guess my point is that I understand the dynamics of being a parent and I have nothing but compassion for those of us still struggling to be good parents.

Pat yourself on the back-you'll survive the teenage years and the other side can really be wonderful as your kids take on their own independent lives. (We can all drink to that!) So here it is-my best advice:

* Love your kids with all your heart
* Give them as much affection and time as you can
* Provide strict structure and discipline (I use the word strict because by today's standards strict has de-evolved into reasonable rather than the excessive permissiveness that permeates our society.)

One of the things that used to drive me nuts was getting the kids on time to the dinner table. I would get very upset about this because I would spend time and energy preparing a nice home cooked meal and repeated shouts for the kids to come down from their rooms would be in vain. Meanwhile the food would be getting cold and I would be getting hot!

My wife Linda finally got it through my thick head to let the natural consequence of having to eat cold food, or warm it up themselves, or even miss dinner, be the lesson for not coming down when called.

With teenagers it is useful to ask yourself this question: Whose problem is this? Eating cold food was not my problem and the great thing about natural consequences is that they teach a direct lesson much more effectively than a parental lecture. If I forget to pay a bill on time there is a late fee. If losing the money is important to me than I will make darn sure that I pay my bills on time.

If someone else were to pay my late fees then I would have no urgency about paying my bills on time. It is far better for kids to develop independent habits as teenagers than to struggle with more serious consequences as young adults.

9 Ways That Parents Don't Parent Teenagers

Kemuel Ronis


To be friends-
Being a parent does not mean being your child’s best buddy. Your role is to love them, guide them, and to be the authority in the household.

To not have regular chores-
Being a family means that everyone helps. This habit should have started much younger than the teenage years. It also means that your children should not have to be constantly reminded about what they should do around the house. If you don’t know how kids should be contributing, then ask for advice or post a question: that’s what I’m here for.

To allow whining-
This wears you down and teaches your child poor interaction skills.

To give in-
Teenagers have basically two weapons: withdrawal of love and being sullen. The hard work of being a parent means saying no. If you give in by being manipulated whenever your child does not get his or her way, then the battle is over. You might as well just hand over your paycheck, credit cards and car keys now…

To give too much-
This is a tough one because our culture supports instant gratification and mass commercialism. Spoiling your child by buying them everything they want is one of the worst things that you can do as a parent.

To clean up their mistakes-
One of the most powerful and effective ways to learn and change behavior is by experiencing the consequences of ones choices. Parents who always make everything alright are doing their children a great disservice.

To be absent or unavailable-
Even though our culture says that teenagers don’t want to be around their parents, the truth is that they need and want your time.

To be the cool parent-
When parents make decisions about their children in order to be known as the cool parent, disaster is not far behind. Underage drinking parties in your home do not make you cool, just stupid. I won’t even mention getting high…

To not listen-
Being a parent means really paying attention to what your child is saying and sometimes not saying. Listening means being calm, considering your son or daughter’s words, taking their problems seriously, and being respectful.