In a family, everyone helps.

A friend of mine who was raising three girls while her husband worked a job that required him to be on the road 5-6 months out of the year told me that, “family means that everybody helps.”

Her comment struck a nerve with me, not because I did not believe her words, and not because I did not follow them, but because it is a simple and true statement about the fundamental nature of family.

(Picture-Cleaning up after dinner)

Effective Parenting- how to get there from here

(Vignettes from the Trenches)

By guest blogger Linda Falcão

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Linda Falcão is a mother, attorney, and teen educator, founder of the youth volunteer organization AMERICA SERVES, www.americaserves.net. The AMERICA SERVES Student Journal was honored by the US Department of Education in 2008 as a guide to teen service learning. She has degrees from the University of Pennsylvania in English and from the Wharton School in Economics, and attended Harvard Law School. She currently practices law and mediates in the field of employment discrimination, and is an appointee to Pennsylvania’s Advisory Committee to the Commission on Alternative Dispute Resolution. Of everything in her life, she is most proud of her marriage and her children.

Kemuel kindly asked me to guest blog about improving one’s parenting style (and presumably that’s why you’re reading this- if you’re happy with your relationship and with the results you’re getting, just page on to something else, I won’t be offended!) My own personal tips for giving your child the parenting they deserve-

1) Understand your own parenting philosophy.

Parenting is a performance art, and you’ll do it better if you understand your “motivation.” What’s important to you as a parent?

*To be the “anti-parent” of however you were raised?

* To instill a particular set of values (respect, tolerance, self-sufficiency, world domination?)

*To produce a huge number of children to please your mom, who had ten kids of her own and is hocking you for more grandchildren? (ok, so I digress!!:) Seriously, until you know where you’re going, you can’t steer the boat.

WHAT IS YOUR OWN NUMBER ONE GOAL IN PARENTING?

2) Understand the central task of parenting- to first convince your child that they’re the center of your universe, and then disabuse them of that notion.

I read some wonderful research years ago (which I would credit if I could remember the author), that said parenting is so tough because you have to first create the idea in your child’s head that “Mommy and I are one” (sorry, child-rearing guys!), to give your child a sense of safety, and then, as the child matures, you create the idea in their heads that they are separate entities that must go out and create their own lives in the world and be masters of their own destinies.

Kemuel and I each had to be both a mom and dad to our kids, because of the sad state of our alleged co-parents (can you say “restraining order,” anyone??), so we know first-hand that these are totally different mind-states to create in your kid’s head- fortunately, this is a really age-related task, so you have years to move from “Mommy and I are one” to “I must kill my father to take my own place in the world” (with apologies to Oedipus!) It’s a blend, and like mixing coffees or cocktails, sometimes you need more of one, and sometimes you need more of the other.

WHAT DOES YOUR CHILD NEED NOW? A) A GREATER SENSE OF CONNECTION, OR B) MORE ENCOURAGEMENT FOR INDEPENDENCE?

3) Find your kid’s lever, and use it.

In giving them more of a sense of connection (getting them to come to the table for family dinner) or more encouragement for independence (doing their own homework), what lever will you use?

By their lever I mean whatever moves them- it could be time with their friends, their electronics, karate lessons, dance class, use of the car, etc.

When we wanted our kids to do their college applications without our hocking them (we both went to college alreadyJ), we told them, we weren’t going to see them on the computer until one was done; then, when that was in the mail, they got the computer again for a few days; then we told them, we weren’t going to see them on the computer again until the next one was done, etc. etc.

WHAT’S YOUR KID’S LEVER?

PS, if you use the lever and nothing happens, you’ve picked the wrong lever. Keep trying!!

4) Be counter-cultural (and by this I don’t mean, grow your own weed) –

I mean acknowledge and account for a culture that hates good parenting. Yes, I said “hates”, because a well-parented child is not a mega-consuming fool, and there are many companies in the US economy who love it that your own hard-earned money is being spent with the judgment of a ten-year old- because they’ve gotten you to agree that your ten-year old should spend it.

Whenever money is spent by someone who didn’t earn it, more money is going to be spent. Companies love that. Companies do not want your kid to be well-raised.

As a footnote to the above (don’t hate me, Fortune 500!!), I will also acknowledge that it’s not just a conspiracy from mega-corp that makes good parenting hard- good parenting IS hard, innately- it requires such a confluence of skills, experiences, and support. But you know that already, so get a pair and, like Nike says, “Just do it!” (See, even 40-year olds can be shaped by massive ad campaigns . . . )

(And if you think I’m 40 . . . J)

QUESTION WHAT THE CULTURE TELLS YOU ABOUT PARENTING, AND CONSUMING.

5) Don’t grocery-shop on an empty stomach and don’t try to parent when you’re having a fight with your spouse.

Let me explain what I mean here. Your children have an innate, God-given total selfishness, a “me-first” drive, that would keep them alive if their plane crashed on a desert island (I saw that on Lost, so I think maybe it could happen). It’s good, and it’s natural, and you need to account for it in your parenting.

The number-one deterrent to effective parenting we see is parents who lack support from their spouse - because, when you parent effectively, and set limits, your child will punish you emotionally. He/she will act out, withdraw their love, slam the door, give you sullen looks, cry, etc.

This is just their natural sense of entitlement, the one that would keep them alive on that desert island, coming out- thank God for it. But you can’t let it knock you off track, and you need someone to be there to hide out with when the kids are filling the house with their negativity. (Even if you ask them to go to their rooms- which we do in our house- our standard line is, “Crying is fine, but it brings the rest of us down, so you can go to your room until you feel cheerful again”- you’re still feeling sad and mean because you caused them pain.)

The biggest deterrent to effective parenting is lacking a good, strong marriage, where you know your spouse is your best friend and partner in crime. It makes you WAY too vulnerable to doing what you know you shouldn’t, so your kids don’t withdraw their love. (Parents need love too!!)

So keep your partnership as strong as you can, make it a priority, and if it’s a bad one that impacts your ability to parent, consider ending it (yeah, I said it- we raised our three children after divorces, and it was a blessing. The most important thing is that you are not being drained by your partner on a daily basis).

So if you’re fortunate enough to have someone good to raise your child with, thank your lucky stars, and get up and go to them now, and say, “Thank you for choosing to be with me today.” Kemuel and I say that to each other almost every day. Because it is a choice- we can both support ourselves alone, financially and emotionally, so being together is a choice we make every day. And when you have someone you can laugh and cry with when your kid is responding in their natural, God-given way to your parenting, you’re 90% of the way to being the best parent possible.

WHO SUPPORTS YOU IN BEING A STRONGER PARENT?

Appreciate the people in your lives who support good parenting, and thank them! As Jackie Kennedy once said, “If you don’t get raising your children right, nothing else really matters.”

Cosby on parenting

The middle and end of this video is worth watching-

Time Versus Money

I believe that children need lots of love, affection, structure, and your time. Money and possessions can never replace these things. In conversations with teenagers I hear time and time again that they wish their parents spent more time with them. (At some point in their adolescence this will change.)

Making your kids earn the toys, games, and stuff they want is important so that they value and appreciate what they get. In today's materialistic society it is vital not to spoil kids by giving them too much or by substituting material goods for love and time.

Your child will always remember the time you spent together and quickly forget that you bought them the new nano I-Pod or I-phone.

We all live in a busy world with often too many activities and responsibilities. Scheduling family dinner at least twice per week (more is better) is an excellent way to maintain communication and family bonds. Make it a communal event with everyone pitching in to make dinner, set the table, clean up afterwards, and most critically have an opportunity to just hang out together and talk. It should be a set time and day(s) every week.

Define Yourself-Revisited

Ok, so here's the story about searching for candy...and god.
My mom was a crunchy granola long before it became California cool. For those of you old enough to remember it was the days of Adelle Davis, and health food stores were tucked back into obscure alleys without corporate logos.

Anyway, we did not have candy and sweet treats in my house. I remember putting blue food dye and molasses into a glass of milk as my closest approximation to a soft drink when I was seven. I felt that Halloween was a gift from the gods, and if someone told me I had to sacrifice other people in a blazing fire in order to celebrate this holiday, I would have done so without blinking. So that's where the candy part comes from.

For the second part...

I was raised in a typical Judaic home and we observed all of the tenets of reform Judaism. I still hold strongly to those values and that ethnic background, but even at a young age I gravitated towards eastern philosophy and spiritualism. I began practicing yoga at age 18 but after a few years it became only a physical pursuit not a spiritual one. (I am thankful for it as it helps keep my ageing body together.) I read and dabbled in meditation, Hinduism and chanting.

If I had to label myself, I would say I am more Buddhist than anything, and I try to live by Buddhist concepts although not strictly. Ialso am drawn to some of the Toltec wisdom that I have come across- I am still searching and I find truth in nature and in the writings of other people who are looking for this being/energy called god. Have you seen him lately?

Grandfather's joke

Every year for the holidays, when I was little, we would make the long trek from Maryland to Michigan to visit my grandparents. My Grandfather Ben Zendel had a riddle that he loved to tell:
Why does a dog wag its tail?
The answer was:
Because the tail can't wag the dog.

In some ways I feel like that is the current state of parenting in this country. It's out of balance and does not make sense.
A perfect example is the commercial for paper towels that I saw on TV recently. A five year old boy makes a huge mess in the kitchen. It's like a bloodbath with kool aid and cereal. The narrator explains that mom has the super duper extra strong absorbent paper towels so she can easily and happily clean up the mess. Mom is smiling. The little boy is smiling. I would not be smiling. I would have worn out the kid's bottom and then made him clean up the mess!

Define Yourself

Define yourself in six words or less.

Here's mine-
Searching for candy...and god.

Send me yours and if you feel like it tell me why-
I'll explain mine later.

Mistakes I Have Made #1 (a repeating theme)

After all what is parenting, but trial and error, doing your best, and to try to keep moving forward? There are no manuals and you learn on the job. Even if you had great parents, the times change and every child is so different with problems and challenges that are unique to them and the relationship that they have with you.

I know I made plenty of mistakes, but the problem is that often by the time you truly learn how to do a parenting thing well, it no longer applies because your son or daughter has passed that stage in their development and as the parent you now have to learn to deal with something else.

Probably my best and shortest advice as someone who has been in a marriage where I had to be both mom and dad, as a single parent, as a stay at home parent, as a stepparent, as a co-parent in a terrific marriage, and finally as a parent who is learning how to step out of being a parent since my kids are 23, 25 and 26. Whoa...that was long winded, but I guess my point is that I understand the dynamics of being a parent and I have nothing but compassion for those of us still struggling to be good parents.

Pat yourself on the back-you'll survive the teenage years and the other side can really be wonderful as your kids take on their own independent lives. (We can all drink to that!) So here it is-my best advice:

* Love your kids with all your heart
* Give them as much affection and time as you can
* Provide strict structure and discipline (I use the word strict because by today's standards strict has de-evolved into reasonable rather than the excessive permissiveness that permeates our society.)

One of the things that used to drive me nuts was getting the kids on time to the dinner table. I would get very upset about this because I would spend time and energy preparing a nice home cooked meal and repeated shouts for the kids to come down from their rooms would be in vain. Meanwhile the food would be getting cold and I would be getting hot!

My wife Linda finally got it through my thick head to let the natural consequence of having to eat cold food, or warm it up themselves, or even miss dinner, be the lesson for not coming down when called.

With teenagers it is useful to ask yourself this question: Whose problem is this? Eating cold food was not my problem and the great thing about natural consequences is that they teach a direct lesson much more effectively than a parental lecture. If I forget to pay a bill on time there is a late fee. If losing the money is important to me than I will make darn sure that I pay my bills on time.

If someone else were to pay my late fees then I would have no urgency about paying my bills on time. It is far better for kids to develop independent habits as teenagers than to struggle with more serious consequences as young adults.