Jul 19, 2009

Time Versus Money

I believe that children need lots of love, affection, structure, and your time. Money and possessions can never replace these things. In conversations with teenagers I hear time and time again that they wish their parents spent more time with them. (At some point in their adolescence this will change.)

Making your kids earn the toys, games, and stuff they want is important so that they value and appreciate what they get. In today's materialistic society it is vital not to spoil kids by giving them too much or by substituting material goods for love and time.

Your child will always remember the time you spent together and quickly forget that you bought them the new nano I-Pod or I-phone.

We all live in a busy world with often too many activities and responsibilities. Scheduling family dinner at least twice per week (more is better) is an excellent way to maintain communication and family bonds. Make it a communal event with everyone pitching in to make dinner, set the table, clean up afterwards, and most critically have an opportunity to just hang out together and talk. It should be a set time and day(s) every week.

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What is the Middle Way?

The middle way is a literal and figurative label for a method of parenting.

The middle years represents the time of adolescence, between child and adult: teenagers.

The middle way is also an attempt to swing the pendulum back to a sane path of raising children that is neither too controling and domineering nor too passive and unstructured.

The middle way is a metaphor for thinking about raising teenagers with whatever spiritual beliefs you deem to be important. Too often as a society we either forget about spirituality in our daily lives or over-represent it as a narrow and dogmatic approach.

There is a middle ground of striving to be a better person and parent while living ethical/religious values without mandating that others believe the same as you.

I am passionate about this topic for several reasons. Parenting is so challenging that when I can see the results of getting something right, which you rarely see during the unfolding of the event, I want to tell every other parent I meet about the experience.

Since I had two parents who were on opposite poles of parenting styles, I understand that neither model is viable.

Strictness without love and communication is as faulty as love and communication without structure and discipline.

Lastly, I enjoy sharing and teaching other human beings useful information. And nothing is more useful and critical than helping parents raise polite, independent kids.

Straightforward Advice: What teenagers should do.

Be responsible for taking care of their school-work
You have already been through school and it is not your job to keep up with, remember, or do anything connected with your child's school-work. Your job is to clearly set whatever standards you require from your son or daoughter and impose consequences if they are not met. I am always surprised when parents do not know what to do when it comes to disciplining their children. You control every aspect of your teenagers life, beginning with food, shelter, transportation, TV, internet, cell phone, video, etc.

No Whining-
The way to stop this is by not allowing it to occur in the first place. Kids whine and complain because it works, at least some of the time, for them. If you say no, then stick to your decision. If your child continues to whine/complain then impose a consequence (every time) for aggravating you after you have given them an answer. A whiny teenager drains you of energy. Whining is also a character defect that creates a poor reputation in the adult world. There is an obvious difference between whining and having a respectful and mature discussion over a disagreement or decision.

Do Not Tolerate Lying or Disrespect-
Here again, if your son or daughter is doing this there should be a harsh punishment because it ultimately is harmful to your child's reputation and place in the world. When you ask your child a question and they lie to you, that should never happen a second time.

Insist On Good Manners-
Manners never go out of style. Polite young people are always appreciated and commented on by adults. It is the easiest way for an adolescent to create a positive impression and reputation. Part of good manners is to acknowledge the things that people do for you. This means your son or daughter should have a habit of thanking others: everything from the dinner that you provide them to taking them places.

Sea Change

The old models of parenting are as worthless as Civil War Confederacy scrip at Wal-Mart. In the 1950's we had a male dominated system of father knows best while the little woman cleaned and cooked. In the post 1960's world children became actual human beings whose feelings and self expression were catered to as if they were the second coming of Jesus, Moses, or Krishna.

No one should be surprised that as a society we are wrestling with spoiled, lazy, overindulged narcissistic children whose idea of compassion is lending their I-Phone to a friend. Meanwhile the friend is texting mom that he or she forgot something and the friend expects their working parents to drop everything and deliver it to the mall where they are hanging out ASAP.

We are undergoing a sea change in our concept of what parenting should look like: just don't let the tide drown you.
Posted by Kemuel Ronis

A Parent's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they're stuffing down the sink,

Or who they're with, or where they're at
And what they're doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish--dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)
Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

Author Unknown