I know I made plenty of mistakes, but the problem is that often by the time you truly learn how to do a parenting thing well, it no longer applies because your son or daughter has passed that stage in their development and as the parent you now have to learn to deal with something else.
Probably my best and shortest advice as someone who has been in a marriage where I had to be both mom and dad, as a single parent, as a stay at home parent, as a stepparent, as a co-parent in a terrific marriage, and finally as a parent who is learning how to step out of being a parent since my kids are 23, 25 and 26. Whoa...that was long winded, but I guess my point is that I understand the dynamics of being a parent and I have nothing but compassion for those of us still struggling to be good parents.
Probably my best and shortest advice as someone who has been in a marriage where I had to be both mom and dad, as a single parent, as a stay at home parent, as a stepparent, as a co-parent in a terrific marriage, and finally as a parent who is learning how to step out of being a parent since my kids are 23, 25 and 26. Whoa...that was long winded, but I guess my point is that I understand the dynamics of being a parent and I have nothing but compassion for those of us still struggling to be good parents.
Pat yourself on the back-you'll survive the teenage years and the other side can really be wonderful as your kids take on their own independent lives. (We can all drink to that!) So here it is-my best advice:
* Love your kids with all your heart
* Give them as much affection and time as you can
* Provide strict structure and discipline (I use the word strict because by today's standards strict has de-evolved into reasonable rather than the excessive permissiveness that permeates our society.)
One of the things that used to drive me nuts was getting the kids on time to the dinner table. I would get very upset about this because I would spend time and energy preparing a nice home cooked meal and repeated shouts for the kids to come down from their rooms would be in vain. Meanwhile the food would be getting cold and I would be getting hot!
My wife Linda finally got it through my thick head to let the natural consequence of having to eat cold food, or warm it up themselves, or even miss dinner, be the lesson for not coming down when called.
With teenagers it is useful to ask yourself this question: Whose problem is this? Eating cold food was not my problem and the great thing about natural consequences is that they teach a direct lesson much more effectively than a parental lecture. If I forget to pay a bill on time there is a late fee. If losing the money is important to me than I will make darn sure that I pay my bills on time.
If someone else were to pay my late fees then I would have no urgency about paying my bills on time. It is far better for kids to develop independent habits as teenagers than to struggle with more serious consequences as young adults.
I heartily agree with your advice on natural consequences building independent habits. The most "sticking" life lessons I have learned have been when I've made my own mistakes and had to work through them.
ReplyDeleteI think your point about natural consequences is a great idea. If you ground your kids because they won't come to dinner, for example, the punishment and crime are sort of incongruous. Especially for smaller kids, it might really random and confusing. Just letting the food get cold is great example of how consequences and actions should flow.
ReplyDeleteNicole, I can still clearly remember the consequences of poor choices that I made as a teenager. If parents would stop trying to make everything alright for their children and just let them have to deal with a bad outcome, that would go a long way towards helping their kids mature.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment!
Jenn, I appreciate the feedback. I also have been reading your blog that uses Haiku for news stories. It is really cool!
ReplyDeleteMany good points!
ReplyDeleteAbout the lack of a manual and/or training for parenthood - it's sad that it's so easy to becomed a parent (sad for the kids). It takes 1,000 hours of training for someone to get a license to cut your hair. But a bad hair cut lasts a week or two whereas bad parenting has life-long impacts.
I agree with "excessive permissiveness" of many of the parents of my kid's friends (I have a 7 and a 3 year old). I am certainly explaining good behavior and boundaries to my kids, and also - when we are out at a playground or I'm picking them up from daycare and other kids are acting up, I have no problem with telling other kids that they need to shape up. You don't need to be in a position of authority in a public setting (e.g., teacher, playgound monitor, what have you) to get the message across to kids that their behavior is unacceptable.
I like the cold dinner approach - choices have consequences. Independent and compassionate kiddos is a great goal.
Michelle,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the post! I liked your comment about how many hours it takes to get a license to cut someone's hair, but of course any fool can raise a kid...