The Electric Bill Theory Of Sex-
When our kids would come home from college with the people they were dating, we would have them sleep in separate bedrooms, even though we knew they were having sex in college. We did this because it was one of our house rules and even though they were now in college, they were not financially independent yet. After they were on their own, and brought someone home, we allowed them to sleep in the same bedroom.
During their teenage years, when our kids disagreed with a decision, house-rule, or standard of ours, we had a simple answer: “When you are paying the bills in your home you can do it your way. I’m not saying this is the only way, I’m not even saying this is the best way, but this is the way it is in this house.”
We would say this in a gentle but firm manner. The point was not to make our teenagers feel powerless or to flaunt our authority, but to make it clear that rules and expectations were going to be adhered to.
Along the same lines when our three kids would ask for stuff like a car, or even comment on what they would like to do or have in life, our stock response was:
“This is what you do. First, graduate high school. Second, go to college. Third, get a job.”
After awhile this became a running joke in our home. Our kids would catch themselves after saying something to us and they would say, “I know-I know -go to college-get a job.”
This interaction, while funny, was also indicative that our kids were very clear about what we expected of them.
To function properly any organization needs structure and a hierarchy. Things get out of balance when kids don’t have any responsibilities and are able to boss and manipulate their parents.
There is a central theme in life that kids are not the ones paying the mortgage, buying the groceries, paying the utility bills, etc. Those are all adult responsibilities. Kids have different tasks and one of them is to be a contributing part of the household, not an additional burden on their parents.
So if you want to get it on, you got to turn the lights on.
And if you want the lights to come on, you got to pay the bill!
5 years ago
You've learned an essential lesson about marketing-- make sure to mention sex!
ReplyDeleteIt was amusing that, even as a grown man, I would sleep in different rooms with my soon-to-be wife. But, honestly, this was done mostly to avoid awkwardness than anything else. After all, no one was paying our bills then!
I love that you suggest being consistent. So consistent, in fact, that your children could anticipate your response! I think too many parents aren't consistent. If they're tired or stressed, they give in. Children need consistency. Good advice!
ReplyDeleteIn my own classroom, sometimes kids want to do things that I do. For example, I have the not-so-healthy habit of drinking a diet Pepsi at eight in the morning. I don't do it while I'm actually teaching, but while the kids are independently working. They often tell me this is unfair, because they aren't allowed to drink soda at school. I always say, "Raise your hand if you went to college and are over twenty years old." When my hand is the only one up, I will say that at least they have something to look forward to.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a mistake for kids to think that the rules are the same for kids and adults. While some obviously are, some apply to privileges we get with age.
Rob,
ReplyDeleteSo true-there's nothing like sex in a title to catch someone's attention.
Proper,
As you mentioned, it is hard sometimes to be consistent, but in the long run it is easier.
Jenn,
As a fellow teacher I love your response to your students-I'll probably use it myself this coming year!
Kemuel - Great title and great ending! My folks would DIE if I shared a room with a guy in their home, even today, and I am thirty years old!!!
ReplyDeleteMy sister and her boyfriend came down last weekend to attend a wedding and he stayed in a hotel. My sister joined him there and my parents were even upset about THAT (she is 27)!!! Pretty old-fashioned, huh?
ps) Jenn's comment reminded me of a situation when I was in high school. A woman who worked in the cafeteria was outside sneaking a cigarette, and my frind said, "How come you can smoke and we can't?" And the lady said, "I can't, honey, I'd get fired." But they let the exchange students smoke. Go figure.
Sorry, Proper Proofreader. I meant "friend" !
ReplyDeleteKemuel --
ReplyDeleteThis is great. I like your new design and the explanations -- much clearer. Consistency? A lot easier said than done. Although, the bedroom-sharing thing was one that I strictly enforced, kicked a young man out of the house once, in fact. And the mantras about which everyone can chuckle as the kids get older help. Although we're always parents, it's awfully nice when we can share things with our kids as adults. If we've done it right, the friendship follows.
Jenn --
You sound like a terrific teacher. The practical and direct approach that let's them know their place is very effective, I'm sure.
At the risk of sharing a little too much information, when I came home from college, my mom practically made my boyfriend and I sleep in her king-sized bed. But the reason for this was not to encourage us to get it on (ew! I wouldn't even dream of it), but rather because there was no where else in our house for my boyfriend to sleep.
ReplyDeleteI do agree with what was said about consistency. That works well with cats, too! :)
Memoirs,
ReplyDeleteYour parents are definitely old fashioned, but I respect people's rules in their homes, especially when they are consistent.
Trina,
Thanks for the feedback! I couldn't have said it better than your line, "If we've done it right, the friendship follows."
Nicole,
I just have to ask: Did your mom put an ironing board in between you and your boyfriend? That's an old southern expression-
That's okay Memoirs. I accidentally wrote "fiend" instead of "friend" when commenting on Nicole's blog recently. It happens!
ReplyDelete